I hold my hands up, I am wholeheartedly terrible at saying no to things. Just two short letters but for some reason it just doesn’t compute in my brain.

When someone presents an opportunity for a place on an exclusive course that may benefit my career or invites me to a great party the day before a major deadline I immediately want to say yes. The prospect sounds exciting and I dread that ‘fear of missing out’ or wondering ‘what if.’

However, more times than I care to count I’ve had to call up my part-time job to ask to reduce my hours because I’d taken on too much, had a breakdown over an extra essay because I was so burnt out or missed a good friend’s birthday because I was too exhausted.

I end up having a worse time than if I’d just said no altogether, feeling crippling guilt and disappointment in the process.

For me it’s about recognising my limitations, and I feel like this is a big lesson you learn in your twenties and one that I have really had to work on especially in the last two years. So far, it’s still very much a work in progress…

Most of the time it’s not so much about agreeing to things I don’t want to do but trying to pack far too much into the short 24 hours there is in the day. It also sometimes makes me feel not terribly successful because instead of doing just a couple of things really well, I end up doing ten somewhat mediocre, scraping through them by the skin of my teeth.

And it’s not just in an education or work scenario this keeps happening to me. Take this situation which I inflicted on myself last month:

I had two social invites on one Saturday, one which took place in the afternoon in and early evening in Ascot and one which began at around 8pm in London. One was a group activity that I really didn’t want to miss out on and another was a good friend from university’s 21^st that I also wanted to attend. Not wanting to have to make the choice, I decided to do both, leaving the first event early to catch the train into London.

The issue was, I really wanted to attend both events and thought I could work out a logistical way to resolve it. I made the plan and told both parties I could attend feeling quite pleased with myself.

However, the day before, a last-minute invitation came through for a work event, back in my home city. No one else was able to go and it was a great opportunity so without really thinking much I jumped at it and adjusted my plans slightly to travel to both Saturday events now from Bristol after the work event.

To cut a long story short, by Saturday night I ended up missing the party, stuck in London, broke and exhausted. I’d also let a very good friend down.

Everyone had told me what I planned to do was crazy but I hadn’t listened because I thought I could do it, being the social butterfly I try to be. I ended up not fully enjoying any of the 2/3 events I actually made it to because I was stressed and carefully watching my alcohol intake so I didn’t fall asleep on the next train.

I put so much pressure on myself to be all things to all people that I end up letting them down far more than if I’d just declined the invite altogether. I KNOW this, it makes sense, and I try to remind myself of it the next time I make a plan but it’s definitely been a slow process.  

I’m convinced the root cause of my aversion to the word no is a chemical impulse in my brain which ignites as soon as I see a great learning opportunity or receive an exclusive social invite. My ears pick up like an excited puppy and I want to do it all. I put too much pressure on myself to be able to maintain healthy friendships and build my CV and skillset. Trying desperately to enjoy my youth to the fullest whilst at the same time building for the future. It’s just too much.

So, I’ve set myself 5 questions that I’m challenging myself to answer before I agree to any new activity which you might find useful if you find yourself suffering with the same disease as me.

1. Do I want to do it? – Will I enjoy it or does it hold significant value? If the answer to this is no then don’t proceed further. You’d only be saying yes to satisfy someone else and life is too short for that shit.
2. What are my existing commitments? Can I reasonably balance the extra or can I spare the time (make sure this includes some time to rest!)
3. Can I afford it? Is this activity going to mean sacrifices in other areas that month? If yes is it a worthy sacrifice, (If it means starving or debt- step away!)
4. Are there any reasonable adjustments that can be made? Maybe just attend half the party or could the project be done in a group to reduce workload?
5.  How do I feel at the moment? Am I feeling stressed, overworked, tired a lot lately? If yes then maybe mentally I’d be better off passing it up and taking some personal time.

I’m hoping that by at least being aware of my problem with the word no and trying to consider this next time I’m trying to make a decision, I’ll get much better at reading myself and knowing how much I can feasibly take on without cracking. Maybe….. I’ll let you know how that goes.